“You’re find someone eventually.”
“Just pray and wait.”
“There’s a girl waiting out there for you somewhere.”
As a single male, I encounter statements like the ones above all the time. I’m 24, so I’m not afraid to discuss relationship type issues. But a lot of the time, the conversation moves to why I’m single, whether I want to take it there or not. And those quotes above are the standard, politically correct answers that you seem to encounter as a single male.
Every time I hear one of these quotes, I just want to shake my head. It’s not that the statements are false; as a man of faith I’m sure they are correct. Here’s the issue: even when statements come from a kind, genuine place-at least when I receive them, they still feel in genuine.
“Get to the point Chris!”
So, why am I writing about all of this? For those who really know me, relationships are something I struggle with. Talking to people about it never helps; people normally make feel like either the biggest loser in the world, or an idiot. So, I decided to talk about it on my own forum; I decided to discuss it in writing, the medium I’m most versed in.
I don’t know long this post win be, and I;m sure it’s going to jump around. But, if you will, just come along with me for the ride.
It’s been a LONG time
Technically, I’ve been “single” for 24 years. Now sure, I’m only 24-just roll with me ok. I’ve never had a true relationship. I’ve had many crushes; I’ve had some, shall we say, “quasi-relationships,” but never a true girlfriend. Now, I’ve got many goals in life. One is to be a great husband; and other is to have a daughter.
Lol, kind of need a wife for that though right?
I know I’m young, but it’s something that I think and wrestle with. I often sit back (after my law work is done of course) and think about the moves I should have made in the past, and the moves I should make in the future.
I guess my main point is, I’d love to be in a good, committed relationship. So when I’m struggling or feeling down and people throw something at me like “Just pray and wait,” it hurts me you know. It may not feel like it to anyone else, but to me, it certainly feels like I’ve been waiting all of my life.
But for what ever reason, people don’t seem to understand that feeling of mine.
You’re a great guy, BUT…
Oh yea, one of my favorite lines, mostly because it’s so ambiguous.
So here’s my question, what is a great guy? Women, if you read this, feel free to comment down below. But again, what is a great guy?
Here’s an example of the ambiguity.
Chris is a great guy because:
He is caring
- He is a great listener
- He is always there when you need him
- He checks on me to make sure I’m ok
- He’s passionate
- He’s Godly
And then there’s
Chris is a great guy because:
- I’ve never heard him raise his voice
- He doesn’t beat me
- He never smacked up my kids
- He doesn’t ignore me like other guys
Both examples have valid points, so how am I to know which category I fall into?
I’ll be completely honest, I think the “you’re a great guy” line is one of those let down lines; it’s a line that women use when they don’t want you, but they don’t want to hurt your feelings too badly.
“Why do you say that Chris!? We (women) really do mean that when we say it!”
If that is true, then why is the statement always followed up with a but.
“…BUT you are kind of short.”
“…BUT I’m not ready to date” (Proceeds to date another person almost immediately)
That’s why I said it ladies!
Now what’s next?
Get that Out of My Face!
Maybe my singleness has made me hyper-sensitive, but it constantly feels like people are throwing their relationships in my face. I think the worst part, is people aren’t even aware that they are doing it.
I used to have a friend who called me every almost every other day to talk about her relationship (she and I aren’t friends anymore). Of course she knew about my struggles, but she didn’t care one bit; she ALWAYS had to talk about her situation. And as a good friend I sucked it up, listened, and tried to offer advice when needed.
But in the back of my mind I was thinking “you’re blessed to even be in a freaking relationship, and all you want to do is complain!”
OH, you remember those quotes from the beginning of the post!? Guess who normally makes does statements? Married people and committed couples!
So from the high horse of your relationship you tell me to wait!?
I’m not going to go into this much, because it could be a post of it’s own.
But from experience, don’t ever tell a crush how you feel. Yes I mean EVER; not even if one of ya’ll is about to die! Life never works out like the movies.
Right Foot out of the Box
Try something new they say. Step out of your comfort zone they say. It will be fun and useful they say.
So, what happens you step out of your comfort zone, you attempt to try new things and talk to new people, but the same mess happens?
Or, you get told the same old lines?
I’ll give you all a major example. One of my close friends suggested I try online dating. I’ll admit, I wasn’t too thrilled about the idea; we’ve all seen Catfish. But, after a while I said YOLO and did it.
I signed up for Okcupid.
Months later I realized that realized that trying to meet people on Okcupid is 43 times worse than trying to meet some in real life. You’ve got a better chance of pulling a girl at the Walmart than on Okcupid.
For those who don’t know, I’ll do a small break down on how the site works. You make a profile and you tell the site what type of mate you are looking for. Then you answer at set of questions. The questions determine how compatible you are with the other people on the site.
So, I looked through the profiles, found some that are rated in the 80 and 90 percentile. Then I sent them a message. Keep in mind, that I sent the message after reading their profiles, and then trying to come up with something witty and non-generic.
And what happens?
Nothing…not even a response.
I later came across a article that said that black men have the second hardest time getting responses on Okcupid.
Hot beans and rice.
You know what’s really bad though? Ok, here it goes. So, on Okcupid, you can actually tell when people read your messages. What will normally happen, the person will read your message and then visit your profile; the site tells you when that happens.
Try something new they say.
I don’t really have a concluding thought or anything. I just want to say this: this is a REAL article. These are the struggles that I encounter in my every day life. I appreciate my mentor, my sisters, and all friends that I’ve been able to talk to about these issues. But, this has been something that’s been on my mind. I can’t always convey those thoughts through verbal words, so I wanted to do it through written words.
I tried to add some humor in there, but please know that the sentiment behind the overall piece is serious.
Well…I guess that’s it. As always, if you want to comment, go right ahead.
So, peace until next time; I’m going to listen to some Sean Price.